Being socially awkward is painful.

It's a constant reminder that you view yourself as a weak and timid person. Because of that you lose opportunities that you could've had.

• Messing up a presentation.

• Too afraid to talk to the girl you like (making you look weird).

• People isolate you because you're boring.

• Your friends make fun of your shyness.

Not to brag but I can talk to anyone. Be it a pretty girl, someone intimidating, a child or an elderly person.

I can make people laugh, feel comfortable and approach people naturally without looking weird.

However I wasn't born with confidence. If you've been here for a while you know full well I struggled with social anxiety for half a decade.

After realizing, talking to people is very easy. And most of the worries we have aren't real—I started to grow.

Today in this letter I'll tell you exactly what I did to make myself go from a socially awkward kid to someone who is confident (and able to make friends with anyone)

First let's talk about the difference between Introverts, socially awkward people and shy/anxious people.

Introverts: What most people get wrong.

Most people like to label themselves as introverts even though they are in truth socially awkward or shy.

Introverted people can talk to anyone but they don't like talking to everyone.

They prefer deep and abstract ideas that are profound (topics that are seen as nerdy). Though of course introverted people can also be shy however the degree of shyness comes from self-esteem itself.

Introversion is a trait of a deep thinker in abstract manners. They like to talk about things the general public can't or couldn't get easily.

They seem weird at first because of the things they talk about. They are mostly socially inept (low social skills) They can talk to people but don't have enough social skills to make small talk enjoyable.

They would prefer skipping the manners of greeting, knowing each other and skip to talking about deep philosophical and abstract subjects. Like nihilism, biology, calculus etc..

People in this category are also incredibly brilliant however due to lack of social skills they are rather seen as average by most people and often miss a lot of opportunities.

What it's like to be Socially Awkward

Socially awkward people are those who try to make jokes but aren't funny or rather it contradicts common knowledge so people don't get it.

They are those who often can't read the room - breaking the atmosphere without meaning to and actually oblivious to most people's feelings. Whether positive or negative.

They actually suck at looking at the current social norms, trending topics or what many people seem to like.

You first see them as someone bad or disagreeable but when you get to know them you realize they just suck at making friends.

Usually their jokes are outdated. They like to talk about things that don't really make sense, more like an introvert and actually laugh while most people don't get it and give them weird looks.

The people who get them are usually much older. Socially awkward people mingle well with the elderly but not always.

Signs of being socially awkward:

• Have difficulty making good remarks and end up making stupid comments.

• Going out of topic. Usually changing the topic to unrelated things but too far on the topic that makes the conversation awkward.

• Struggle to read between the lines.

• Won't bend even if everyone agrees (a good trait to have) won't agree easily.

• Cut off people while talking that pisses off others while not being aware they cut them off

• Body language is unnatural

Well these aren't all the signs and even if you do have these signs doesn't mean the world will end. It's all education and self-esteem. I'll explain later. Don't skip to the end since you'll misunderstand this letter if you do.

Being Shy/Socially Anxious

Shy people on the other hand have very bad self-esteem.

They are afraid of criticism, judgement and opinions that don't feel good.

For example: I found a certain art cool but if a person says this is ugly you also get affected indirectly (like feeling bad for no reason) even though what was said was not directly to you but rather the object at hand.

• You feel guilty even though you have no reason to be. You look at yourself like a worm not realizing why.

• You often talk to yourself badly and overly criticized the things you do TOO MUCH in your mind

• Can't maintain eye contact and usually avoids looking at other peoples eyes and when you do maintain eye contact you stare too intensely that makes people think you're weird

• Usually stutters due to overthinking.

• Says sorry often for no reason

• Struggle to make own self-sufficient decision and wants to hear other people's opinions first even if its not needed

• If you go somewhere and you see a crowd you give up and leave.

• You are afraid to ask normal questions even though it costs nothing.

• You feel scared if a girl is near you and your heart rate skyrockets

• People pleasing attitude

• Cringe attacks for no reason. You have a good moment and suddenly an embarrassing memory comes up.

Etc…

Social anxiety is being skin thinned. If you've experienced death or have lost something precious in life you wouldn't give much fuck about other people because you'll realize if things get hard they wouldn't reach out to you anyways.

In other words, being socially anxious is avoiding confrontation from your negative feelings about what people might think of you when you decide to show yourself and your personality to the world.

3 Things To Keep in Mind When Talking to People.

1) Stop OVERTHINKING (its stupid that I have to say this)

Haters will then say yeah r/thanksimcured but never try to control their racing thoughts at least once and regret that they spent their life being socially anxious all the time and made them suffer and not being able to get the opportunities they could've had.

Well I'm not saying social anxiety isn't real but for real—stop overthinking everything.

You won't die if something bad happens unless you get seriously injured.

The more you overthink —the more your actions become unnatural and weirder than it looks. There are people who are genuinely good at heart but because they suck at social skills most people view them as weird or someone to avoid.

Because of this they mostly end-up lonely and this makes the world a worse place.

If you really can't stop overthinking go read this other letter I have written: Why You Care So Much (And How to Stop)

People can read body language even if they don't understand it. If they see you're socially awkward by the way you move they'll treat you like a loser. And when they treat you like a loser it becomes your identity because of reinforcement on how others treat you.

People believe things easily. Act cocky and confident and they'll believe you're smart even if you're not.

You'll be surprised at how much you can get away when you act confident despite being in an awkward situation.

2) Most People Don't Give a Fuck About You.

You've heard of this a thousand times already, however you haven't really realized the core meaning of this message.

When you die—people who truly cared for you will come to your funeral and help your family. People on the street or strangers whose name you don't know won't even know you died.

That embarrassing moment you keep replaying in your head with a stranger doesn't matter. He/she could've died by now and you didn't even know it. You could've died early and they didn't know it.

It doesn't matter what cringe actions or weird things you said. They'll forget it the next hour or the next day. They might remind you about it but they'll forget it again very quickly.

Your friends might make you remember embarrassing memories but sooner or later they'll forget it and move on.

Small mistakes that keep replaying in your mind doesn't matter to most people. They've forgotten about it already. The small stutter or misstep you keep replaying in your mind is long forgotten by your friends.

3) Stop Giving Yourself Labels

This lesson is about self-image. The way you look at yourself determines the way you act, think and speak

If you think of yourself as a loser then you'll act like one.

• You'll stutter for no reason.

• You'll act like a people pleaser even if you don't want to

• You'll put down your needs above other people's wants

Stop pretending you're an introvert—your just making yourself more miserable.

Stop giving yourself the label that "I'm just a shy guy" it's not COOL—it's just a pathetic excuse to stay socially incompetent when you know full well you're scared of changing yourself.

From now on you'll stop giving yourself labels and actually make changes to the way you think.

Now that you understand the difference about being introverted, socially awkward, and socially anxious. Let's learn how you can become a friendly person.

How To Be Approachable And Friendly

There are people who say I don't give a fuck about anyone but deep down they are lonely and want real companionship either by relationship or friendships.

A) Smile

The amount of people who don't even smile or don't know how to is kind of ironic. Smiling gives the feeling of warmth and openness.

Playboys/pick-up artists/salespeople/ know this tactic very well.

When you smile you radiate the message "I'm friendly, I don't bite". Well of course people who are bad also know this as well.

But this letter isn't about that lesson.

Instead when you meet people you should smile. Doesn't have to be an overly dramatic smile. This makes people think of you as someone that can be trusted.

David Goggin's is a good person but he doesn't smile often.

And when you're sad—force yourself to smile. You'll feel better. There are studies that if you smile for no reason you'll feel better.

Don't frown too much. Grumpy people are unapproachable even if they're a good person at heart. This will help you in your career and relationships as well.

Humans are superficial people. We judge based on appearance first then later on personality.

Your appearance matters. The phrase "Looks doesn't matter" is a lie.

B) Avoid Being Negative.

I've explained this lesson as well but I'll repeat it again.

Negative people repel people even if the people who are repelled are negative.

Nihilistic and cynical people drain energy. Even if they don't do it in purpose—complaining, venting and making problems out of thin air is exhausting.

People don't like problems. If you're always negative—you're a problem and people avoid problems like the plague.

You might have the urge to gossip, vent or share your problems but sooner or later people will know you cannot be trusted. Because they'll think you're incompetent and cannot handle your problems in life.

Avoid complaining, making problems, getting into fights and you'll have good social skills.

C) Listen More Than You Talk

An underrated skill in social skills is learning how not to interrupt and talk when the other person is talking.

By listening you signal "yes I'm listening and I respect your words" the moment you interrupt what they say—they'll know and remember it every time they see you not in a positive light but in an irritating way.

People will talk and talk but the moment you interrupt they'll get angry. So in order to avoid this problem—learn to control yourself from talking too much.

When you run out of things to reply—learn to ask questions instead of thinking what you should say next.

And while you listen, look at the other person's eyes too. It communicates that you take what they're saying seriously.

If you are in a group setting and you know you don't have good social skills—learn to ask questions and fill in only when you have something to say. Otherwise don't try to hog all the attention.

D) Remember Small Details

Another skill often ignored is being able to remember small details.

When someone is talking, learn to see what you can remember about them. It could be that they like a particular movie or a interesting hobby they mentioned subtly.

When you meet that person again—bring up that small detail. This makes them feel valued and important.

This is something I've developed without practice. When people talk I listen seriously and because I listen —I often remember details about what we talked about.

It could be anything—an event, a place or an object. For starters remember objects first.

They are easy to remember.

You could say: "Hey Jane you told me about that you liked a particular vase in a octagon shaped—I found one in a mall near C street"

On the other hand when someone asks you and you answer "oh sorry I didn't know", "oh my bad I forgot" it makes them feel like they are someone not worth caring because they'll remember that they mentioned it to you and you forgot about it.

Being forgotten or being ignored hurts. So learn to remember details or you'll wonder one day why someone suddenly hates you for no reason even if it's not valid.

That's all for this week.

No action plan since I already talked about it above.

Good luck and see you next time

-Noat

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PS: I received good replies in the last letter. Any thoughts or ideas you’d like to share is appreciated.