Why You Care so Much (And How to Stop).

Most people care too much.

They're minds are glued to what people think of them.

They disallow reality to happen and think in delusional terms.

The illusion that everyone is watching you, judging everything you do is called the "spotlight effect".

Most people spend time thinking about what other people are thinking about them. Worrying if they are liked or hated.

You overthink what you should do. Your mind craves yourself to be perfect.

Every move and every word you say needs to be smooth.

This self imposed prison is exhausting. It makes you lose a lot in life due to how you over care and overthink matters that don't matter.

I've slipped in public before. People looked at me and one guy helped me stand up.

Did I feel bad that I slipped? Sure. Did I blame myself that I slipped? No.

If that was me 3 years ago I probably would've never come out of my house again. But my experiences tell me people just don't care unless you're famous or a superstar.

You can do cringe things where a lot of people stare at you and no one will remember who you are the next day.

Your unconscious constant monitoring of yourself leads to anxiety, fear of rejection and a weak and unconfident mindset.

You become trapped by a self-limiting belief that everyone is judging you harshly and everyone is cruel —fueling negativity bias and your monkey brain.

You might tell yourself "I'm just shy" but that's a cope. You fear judgement and being criticized so you'd rather be okay not standing out.

Social anxiety is real, but your obligation to overcome it is also real.

Do not allow labels to hold you back and as an excuse to stay small.

The good news is —you can break free from this self-centered mindset.

You just need to understand the different reasons why people care in the first place. In the letter "Why You Crave Validation from People Who Don't matter (And How to Fix It)" I talked about the different reasons why we crave validation.

So in this letter I'd like to focus on something else. Let's talk about the different strategies and tactics you can use to overcome overthinking and over caring.

But first let's look deep into why most people care in the first place.

Social expectation from parents.

One common thing I've noticed is this:

People expect other people to live the life they've never lived. Parents force their children to continue on their path so they can see success that they badly wanted but couldn't attain themselves in their son/daughters hard work.

The idea of having to follow the path what other people have set on you is incredibly flawed and a recipe for depression.

Parents do this a lot.

They dictate every move and action of their son/daughter not allowing them to make their own decisions and grow from it.

To raise children you have to make them experience lessons. You cannot spoon feed them everything.

If they have a problem give them a hint on how to fix it.

Step in only if the matter at hand is life threatening or life changing that could result to a catastrophic life. Or if the child asks for help.

Most parents fail to see this.

I had a classmate who had to take up medicine because his fathers siblings were all doctors.

Dude wanted to be an artist.

Now he has to study science and biology he doesn't like. I do understand parent's want the best for their children.

But to think you know everything about your child is foolish. Most parents lack the fundamental perspective to see what their children wants to do in life.

You can follow the path but to be dictated on everything you do is pointless.

So what's the connection with these to not caring about what other people think of you?

Simple, parents that followed what their parents wanted them to be are more or less likely to be people pleasers.

And parents that are people pleasers create people pleaser children.

The irony.

It's very simple honestly. Look at your parents, siblings, uncles, aunts or anyone in your family.

Which of them do you think care about what other people think of them?

Influence is a big thing. I'm glad I realized this early.

Because most of the teachers I went through were people pleasers. Most of my uncles were people pleasers.

Time and time again I could see people being nice to other people but not to their spouse or family.

I have observed it to be a literal mindf*ck.

Like bro "what?!" how can you be nice to other people but not on your family?

Your father worked tirelessly to provide for you. Your mother spent most of her time preparing your clothes and food so when you go to school —you have snacks to eat.

And yet most people would treat other people better than their family.

I had a friend who's mother rarely goes out. He told me she is very shy and doesn't like to spend time with other people.

I am not against this but I finally understood why he cared so much. I now understood the reason for his insecurity about the way he looks.

Most of the time he would ask how his outfit looks or if there's anything wrong in his face.

Sometimes I could sense it was due to childhood experience.

I realized he must've adopted this behavior from his mother. His mother must've have influenced him to overthink about what other people think of him.

It's deep. Nuanced too.

Generational trauma, past experiences and personality types are all included as factors.

But here's the most common one.

Impressing people who have zero value in your life (The ego at work).

I talked about parents above but I'd like to introduce another connection related to that topic.

Most parents want their children to go to prestigious universities and get famous degrees so they can have something to brag about to other parents.

• They want to brag and brag about how good their son/daughter is compared to other children.

• They want to establish superiority among other people in the neighborhood.

• They want their family name spread.

Parents want their ego inflated. A mother and father who wants you to do better because it satisfies their ego is common.

I see this all the time. I’ve had friends who were forced to pursue careers they hated.

So their parents can brag about their children going abroad and overseas.

If you have parents that set high expectations from you because they know you can do it because of your past performance and are genuinely happy every time you achieve a goal you have set or an accomplishment you've achieved no to brag but for your own well-being —treasure them.

You are living the good life.

Pressure makes you stronger and better.

If you are spoiled and given everything —you will suffer when adulthood comes.

The other thing is you.

You might reject and deny it but you love attention especially if it's something you've worked hard for.

It's hard wired. It's called human instinct.

To be validated by other people is a thing everyone craves. Even the pessimist loves being validated.

That's why social media is so popular. Likes, comments and shares validates your feelings.

That's why people do dangerous acts just to be seen. They want the likes coming in because it makes their craving for validation satisfied.

I've seen plenty of people put their worth in social media followers and likes.

I had adopted a similar behavior in the past. I would get excited if someone liked my post or made a comment.

The notification ringing was addictive.

I was blind to it but realizing now, platforms are like addictions.

The more you scroll the more you'll crave.

"People want have the fundamental desire to be seen and accepted". You might reject this idea but deep down you deeply crave status.

That's why many people look up to superstars and celebrities. Because they have the life most people want to live.

The haters want the same. But instead of admiring they hate so they can feel better about themselves.

It’s a cycle. Everything seems to be connected to one another. If you look closely enough things makes sense when you think in 3rd perspective.

What I learned from the book "The Psychology of Money"

It's been over 2 years since I've read "The Psychology of Money" but the lessons I learned are deeply carved in my mind.

Money is like craving validation.

You never get enough of it.

The more you get money —the more you'll want it. Security doesn't feel real.

The idea of using money to flaunt how rich you are and for people to admire you is strong.

Most people do not realize they spend a lot of money not for themselves but to impress people who they don't care about them and will never cry if they were to die tomorrow.

The way you spend money is dictated through how much validation you will get from other people.

Look around you, what do you see that people buy?

• Jewelry

• Latest iPhone

• Famous Cars

• Branded expensive clothes

I've met plenty of people who are broke but will spend money just to impress their friends and peers.

Flaunting original branded shoes, clothes and sandals.

For what?

To feel validated. To be seen as someone different and rich.

It's ironic.

Man in the car paradox: Chapter 8

Very good book. Highly recommend.

This is an excerpt I took explains the fundamental desire to be seen and desired by other people.

It's a good starting point to understand why you care so much in the first place.

It's never really about insecurity but due to a lot of factors you are unaware of.

I have another thing to talk about and it's something everyone fears.

Fear of failure: The driving force of success.

Fear is the greatest motivator. That's nailed inside you for millions of generations.

You cannot outcompete fear with optimism only work with it and try to subside it's effect.

Unless you have cognitive dysfunctions.

I talk like a scientist, sometimes a philosopher but bear with me. It's from learning a lot.

Everyone fears something. And it's deeply intertwined with whatever you do.

The more you become aware of it —the greater your chances of success.

People get paralyzed by the idea of failure.

Because they know if they fail —their family, friends and peers will label them as failure.

Even if it is not said out loud or in a straight forward manner.

You care because you deny and reject the slightest hint of failure.

You would rather make small progress than to win big or fail.

And that's completely normal. But not understanding this will cause you great suffering.

I have talked before that you are naturally ambitious. When you were a kid success felt inevitable but when you grow up life gets tougher and harder. Taking away littles bits of hope you have inside yourself slowly but surely.

Your job is to regain the lost hope and reclaim them. Either by being irrationally optimistic or being pragmatic.

Those who give up will never achieve what they want. It is only the relentless and the unregretful that will achieve what they want.

IDGAF doesn't work with fear. It only buries the problem and will make its comeback twice or thrice the intensity.

Caring about your success is normal. And often paralyzes you because you think perfection is the answer.

But it's actually learning from your mistake and adapting your actions to suit the current situation.

Like when you give a presentation. You want to be a smooth talker so your presentation goes properly. You fear stuttering and forgetting your lines.

Because in your mind success is "delivering my presentation well without stuttering and smoothly" and failure is "being seen dumb and stupid by other people because I failed to present my presentation properly".

This is also called overthinking.

It's funny because the more relaxed and nonchalant you are the higher the likelihood of getting the desired result.

Because desperation k*lls calmness and emotional stability. The more unstable you are inside (your mind) the more likely you are to mess up outside (impulsive behavior).

It's a paradoxical situation.

Now let's talk about how you can learn how to stop caring.

Question your beliefs.

You live in a world where everything you want to do is rejected yet the idea of following other people's path is openly accepted.

We follow rules that have been written by other people.

We don't know what we want but other people think they know what we want.

Influence dictates the way you think, the way you act, and the way you solve problems.

You must understand everything you hear and see isn't real.

There is truth and perception.

Truth is universally painful. Perception is subjective.

You must dig deeply into your mind and write out the beliefs you have about yourself, your family, your friends and the world.

You must know the root cause. You must understand the reasoning behind them.

Failure to do so will result in a life full of problems and anger.

Your best example is your parents.

You may fail to see this at first but your mother/father and you are very alike.

If you look closely you will have traits that are similar. Then if you ask about your grandparents you will see connections.

Negative emotions are incredibly painful. But you must ask "why" you are feeling that way.

The same goes to your mindset and attitude in life. You must ask "why" you act the way you do and say the things you say.

Most people never question. So they never learn.

They get stuck and would rather stay the same because knowing you were wrong in the first place is painful.

The ego cannot bear the burden of fault. So it would rather rationalize and instinctively deny anything that gives the opposite idea even if the said idea is credible..

Your own perception must see the world as it truly are. You live in a world full of illusions made by your mind.

That's why you are so fearful, scared and angry.

You don't know what's truly happening so you would rather numb yourself with excuses, addictions or dopamine overload.

Distraction over confrontation is what people do.

Because the more painful the emotion you feel the greater your want of overriding it with pleasure.

And questioning your beliefs and realizing you are wrong is the same as k*lling your identity that you've built your whole life.

It's what I call a spiritual rebirth.

This process is incredibly painful.

Go outside of your comfort zone.

If you can take away something from this letter it would be this.

Get comfortable with rejection.

Do not deny, reject or suppress.

Feel the negative emotion fully and become as if you are a conductor.

Every time you feel bad or utterly depressed —feel the emotions fully and never reject.

You must develop a relationship with yourself capable of enduring tough times together.

You alone will be the one to know yourself fully. No one can know you 100% and hear you talking inside your head other than you.

Your identity must be malleable.

To base your worth in one thing is futile and weak.

You don't need to necessarily break out of your shell completely.

You just have to take it bit by bit.

If you've never rode a bike before that's a start.

If you've never ate at a restaurant alone before —that's a start.

When I started writing, I knew people would reject my ideas.

Tons of comments in my reddit posts were straight up toxic.

Did I feel bad? Sure. Did I blame myself for it? No.

If you have a goal, you must expect rejection, disappointments and bullying from your self (negative self talk).

We humans evolve to be in a constant war with unknown threats. To feel threatened and be vulnerable is normal.

But to never understand why you feel that way is the cause of why you care so much.

Man this has been a way too deep of a topic.

This probably sound alien to most of you.

Do tell me if it's too hard to understand. I'll explain it in simple terms next time.

But either way I hope this letter gives you a sense of why you care about people who don't care about you.

Cheers and have a good week ahead of you.

See you next week.

-Noat.

PS: Did you find this weeks letter helpful? Shoot me a reply below and let me know so I can talk about a similar topic next time.

P. PS: Share this to some friends if you liked it.